The Gift

As you may know I turned forty a couple of days ago, and one of the gifts I got from Anne (my other half) was a few days in a spa somewhere in the Cheshire countryside.
Never having been on one of these before I slowly warmed to the idea as it will be a couple of nights of no kids and being pampered, GREAT!!!!
As I've said I've never been on one of these spa breaks before so today whilst Anne was at work and the kids are arguing on the Wii I spent a few minutes on t'internet and looked them up.
The more I read the more I liked, these places are usually attached to a fine dining experience (the one we are going on has such a restaurant) and have various things to do during the day to help you chill out and relax all your worries away.
Sauna's, swimming pools, body massages and the like, then I started thinking well I can't have a sauna because of the heart condition, I swim like a brick i.e. straight down, so this is gonna be one hell of a massage.

I then got to paragraph on colonic irrigation, now don't get me wrong I've heard of these but never fully understood what went on. I knew it was a cleansing process via your butt, but I wasn't expecting what I read. I'm sure I went pale at the thought of it. I stopped reading with visions of a bloke stood on a chair with a bucket of soapy water being poured down a funnel connected to a pipe to which the other end is inserted in my ass, when the full bucket has been pored down he then shouts "FIRE IN THE HOLE" and pulls out the hose from my ass and stands back.

I think I'll stick to the salad, whale music and massage!!!